Angry bottom

I’ve been lazy about writing. Just haven’t felt like it. My weird depressive mood comes and goes. On the whole it’s been moving towards improvement. It’s scary though… when I check out, I check out thoroughly.

But the time comes when you need to get back to life. I am lucky I have the luxury of checking out at all, even if it is just to recede into myself and ignore my immediate life. Most people have too many dependants to do that.

So since I am still not all the way better, I’ll make this short.

I realize I’ve only been writing about wonderful scenes and sessions in BDSM with Luke and spankings that were life affirming. I thought I’d also note the “other kind”.

I’ve said this before but everything we do in our relationship is consensual. I also take the consensual part very seriously. I’ve met bottoms who “consented” because they thought it’d make their top sad or take something away from their dominance if they didn’t want to go along with a certain ploy. Well, if a top’s dominance is that unstable, they can hand over the paddle. Consent has to be from the heart.

Having said that and knowing that I practice what I say, I acknowledge that I have had moments where half way through a scene/session I wanted to bulk or tell him to go to hell. It doesn’t happen often but it does happen. And then my logic gets up and walks away, leaving the rest of me to deal with whatever is being done to it and starts debating the situation.

The other day, for example, I got a spanking for calling Luke stupid. Now how it was said was inappropriate and mean. I am a smart ass and I can make rather cold cutting snide comments.

He bent me over the bed (I was resisting a bit) and commenced the paddling. It was a punishment so it was not done slow or paced. It was painful and not in the way that makes me feel sexy or is a conscious turn on (I say conscious because the end result is  always physical arousal on my part). It was just a plain spanking delivered to a brat to drive a point across. I was pouting through it but at some point, he delivered several hard blows and my headspace changed rapidly. Up to a point I was in yes I did something silly and I feel silly being spanked for it but I know I deserve it… but then the pain and the lack of an obvious erotic attachment caused me to suddenly switch to anger. “How dare you?” was what blazed across my mind and I saw myself in my mind’s eye getting up and telling him off.

I didn’t of course. Had I done that, I would have hurt him deeply but I didn’t not do it for that reason. The fact is, he would have thought  that he had hurt me or caused me injury in a “bad way” and I realized that the only reason I would do it would be to hurt him back. To do that in the middle of a punishment would undermine him and the fact is that he wasn’t hurting me beyond my tolerance, just beyond what I thought I deserved, which wasn’t for me to decide if I agreed to be punished by him. I realized all this in rough mental sketches and I stayed put. Since at that point I only had the rough sketches though I did pout and refused to cooperate which ended up earning me a longer spanking.

When it was all over, I felt pouty. I deserved the spanking. I had been justifiably punished. I was just still being a brat and was pouting for having been degraded with a spanking. Looking back, I needed another spanking just for that. But since all of the thought process came to focus later, I see the value of corner time after or before a spanking. The time allowance to work these things out in your head and then be spanked or offer apologies can be very valuable. We have never done that because of our busy schedules but I think I will suggest it. I am sure I’ll hate it if it were to be enforced but I am not “playing” with Luke for the sake of entertainment. I am submitting to him because I have acknowledged that doing so will allow him to help me be a better person. My ego screams while I type this. “I would become a better person one way or another and he is not in any way perfect enough to ‘guide’ me” and yes I would probably become a better person either way because I want to and no he isn’t god and infallible. But, what he does for me as a top allows me to reflect on my behavior more willingly and rapidly than I would normally. This new thing, corner time, would not just be a twist in the plot that would provide masturbating material down the road and so something I’d want to treat lightly, it would actually be a tool towards my goal of self improvement. (And yes, any way he makes me feel punished will of course be a turn on)

So yes, that’s the other kind of punishment. Then there is the full on, I-did-not-earn-this-and-am-entirely-unhappy-about-this punishments. Getting a punishment spanking for something you haven’t done can throw a wrench in your mental process. I mean I have consented several times to be thrashed by him with no reason, so what’s a little spanking. BUT once the title “punishment” is attached the no-fairs have it and won’t let go unvoiced. The trick I’ve learned? Be polite about pointing it all out. Be polite about pointing it all out. Being a jerk while stating why you don’t deserve a spanking will actually make you very deserving of the undeserved punishment.

I am now going to go make a list of all my neglected chores now and see if it makes me want to crawl under a rock.

[Via http://dirtyingenue.wordpress.com]