From Dover Beach to a car on an supermarket parking lot

The reason why I picked the title of my blog can be seen from a little episode between me and The Kitty. As you can read on her blog, she has had a sexual nova burst recently, feeling very horny all day. Now, this is all in all a very good thing. But there were two things that troubled me. For one, I was not there and I was wondering a lot whether she would have felt the same had I been there. For another, she talked again about having sex with other guys and how she was flirting at everybody. This vexed me and got me bitter. I starting feeling, out of despair and some subliminal anger, that she should just go and fuck all she liked, since that seemed to be what she really wanted most of all. And maybe it would really be good for her. I don’t know. How should I? Also she probably would not feel horny anymore once I was around. So I told her on that evening that I had been thinking these things.

Fast forward to yesterday. We were sitting at a cafeteria with one of her friends, talking, when the conversation switched to an “instant sex” topic at a forum they both frequented. Kitty had posted there that soon she might be free to do stuff with guys again. Nobody had replied to that, a fact about which she was a bit annoyed, if not sad. Then the conversation shifted to her plans to use adultmatch and similar sites to find guys to have sex with, since “I might maybe be available” was judged as being less effective in attracting guys than some direct “I want sex, now!”. Guess that’s pretty much true.

Hearing that was quite painfull. I felt that she wasn’t interested in having sex with me, but already planing how to have sex with as many strange guys as she can find, using those dating sites. And what kind of guys would reply to offers like that? Not me. Clearly, I was not good for her and not what she wanted.

We soon talked about it, though I felt very much like not talking about it and just swallowing it down. I told her about my problems with what she had said/done and she told me that she was very happy to hear me say that maybe having sex with other guys would be good for her, interpreting it as a step towards full blown openness, while for me it was mostly a despair reaction. also, during the conversation she talked again about her ideal of a relationship, how much she was sure that that was what she wanted and how much my reservations and feelings conflict with that. Again the suggestion of leaving me. And while the conversation was clearing and help set us straight with each other again, that kept on nagging at me.

But on the other hand, we had a marvelous time. Things really are getting better. I spent roughly half an hour using the new whip on her and we both enjoyed that a lot. There was touching of boobs, rubbing of backs, lots and lots of naked cuddling, some long and rather passionate kissing, a random, unintentional touching of her cunt (which was ok ) and she even touched my erect cock. Also, she bought a new sex toy, that I liked to call “a vibrating piece of ice”, which she even proposed we’d try out together. That didn’t happen in the end, in part I guess because of the conversation we had. And then there was the zoo and the very nice evening and dinner with the Anthropologist and the Composer, two of Kitty’s poly friends, who turned out to be very nice and enjoyable company. We laughed a lot together, it was a very good weekend.

So there you go. Ignorant armies of thoughts, feelings and perceptions clashing on a darkling plain, not being able to recognize each other. I’m trying to navigate, but sometimes I just don’t know where everything is.

[Via http://ignorantarmies.wordpress.com]