The past weeks (with all the events with India-girl and my first suspension experience) really made me think about how I experience bdsm at the moment, and what kind of submissive I am. When I started with bdsm I identified as a submissive, which meant for me that I liked the whole spectrum of BDSM, and that I was always a bit subservient to my dominant. I never really aimed at TPE or 24/7, but I liked some kind of a ongoing powerrelation, however light at times.
After the rape, and after I decided (first subconsciously and later consciously) that for now I only want to submit by choice of that moment, I started to identify more as a bottom. I wanted pain and bondage and other play things, but no power exchange outside of a scene. Instead of something deeply felt inside, the dom/sub-mindset became more of a roleplay.
I never saw myself as a bratty sub. I tend to do what I am told, and be completely happy with that, and won’t directly disobey orders (except when they go over my boundaries of that time, of course). However, I do make witty comments, push my dominant a little by teasing or tickling. Also, I tend to whine when ‘mean stuff’ is being done to me. I like the mean stuff of course, else I would not participate, but feeling sorry for myself, pouting a bit and being teased with that is a kind of ‘roleplay’ that really works for me at the moment. I fall into this behaviour almost automatically, and feels it very comfortable, fitting and nice.
When talking with Dancer (a friend of mine, who is quite into bondage, and into dancing) on the evening of my first suspension, he mentioned the term SAM: Smart Ass Masochist. Although I like pain, and I am a masochist, this is not a term that I use to label myself, the term did not fit completely. Suddenly all things fell into place, and a new term was born: SAB, Smart Ass Bottom. And it fits like a glove. Or a tight, restraining rope-harness
No comments:
Post a Comment