I sent Andy copies of ”The Past” posts I made here. He’d heard the stories obviously, but he likes my writing. It adds another dimension to it than hearing it does. He asked for everything I’d written in the week and so I sent it to him along with this note…
“I almost didn’t send them. You know the stories in general and it felt almost like I was whining. It isn’t my intent when I tell the story. The last thing I want is for you to feel sorry for me. For me it’s informational, detached inasmuch as it can be. I am strong and it works for me most of the time, but I needed someone… I needed you to come along and know all of me.. There are days when I am floating along through life content in everything and you will text or email me. You’d think that by now I would stop being amazed at how lucky I am to have found you. I’m not really a glass half full or empty gal. More of a hey look, a glass with water, it is what it is kind of gal. Every time we speak, every time we are together I thank the gods for everything that you are. I would be literally lost without you.”
I’m not sure what I expected really, but the response made my toes curl with pleasure. He texted me and told me that I was a strong woman, replete with everything he wanted. He was a little shocked and pleased with my trust in him. He worries about hurting me, pushing me so far that I never come back. I admit there is a possibility here, but I do trust him to bring me back from it. Andy likes physical pain and that I can deal with.
We spent a considerable amount of time together last night. I am sorer, more spent and broken than I have been yet. He made me practice saying the safe words because I have not used it with him, strive not to. He worries that I will let him hurt me and to be honest, I have. I want to endure for him, feel the pain for him because I know he enjoys inflicting it. I trust him not to break me permanently and it scares him that I’d likely let him do it. He has to stay in control or he will hurt me.
He knows about the rape scene and what happened. He didn’t ask for it, but I sent him the posting about it with a little extra bit just for him. “It is unfair of me to tell you the things I am about to, but I need to. I meant what I said. I am wholly and completely yours for as long as you’ll have me. I appreciate you more than words can say.” He doesn’t like reading about my being hurt which confounds me. Doing it yes, knowing someone else is doing it, no.
This was his response…
After the experiences you’ve had, I’m all the more honored that you’ve chosen to trust and desire what we have. I was very hesitant to harm you after your recent experience. I know you’re craving the control and demands. What I hope you take from me is empowerment. You are an amazing woman, a sexual animal; so completely passionate seething with the need to please and be pleased. I really hope you feel that way. Eventually I hope that empowerment moves more into your entire life.
Thank you for sharing yourself.
No comments:
Post a Comment