All the Pieces

“To know peace, find all the pieces.”

I collected this bit of wisdom from the Dalai Lama when I attended a lecture he gave a few years ago.  As with all things Zen, meaning must be individually discovered …

All of the pieces …

I’ve known that I want to be spanked all of my life, and I’ve known it was an erotic and sexual need for just as long.  Even before I knew anything at all about sex, I knew spanking fantasies were pleasing and when combined with masturbation provided a pleasant result.  No one is comfortable with the knowledge that a child can be this sexual, even me, so I won’t belabor the point, but it is one of my pieces.

Decades later, when I told P of my needs, I found another piece.  His playful spankings provided enjoyment of sex in ways I had never known before.  We tried many of the different genre looking for a fit, but I eventually realized I didn’t fit into any category I knew of so we just allowed my needs to be our guide and this worked for a long time.  Another piece understood … a piece I thought at the time symbolized the end of my search.

But my fantasies began to change.  Gone was the innocent arousal at the thought of a playful, mild spanking over P’s knee.  It was replaced by the sound of my screams; I was restrained, P’s hand had become a belt, a tawse, hairbrush, or cane.  My bottom marked with bruises, or worse.  And I longed to be taken over the edge, to have my limits tested, and to know the euphoria that only comes on the other side of pain.  Even without searching I had found another of my pieces.

Then came the Turning Point; sexual arousal at the stories of the beatings that occurred at Dachau.  The piece that led to another man and he led to the realization that I am a masochist. 

What followed certainly wasn’t my  peace, it was the most tumultuous time of my life.  But through this I finally met and came to understand the whole of who I am, so I found another piece.  

I’m beginning to think I could collect my pieces forever and ever without end …

Peace, like victory, must be claimed. 

  

 

 

 

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