One of my rules is to write here at least once a week.
Oops.
Yeah, I missed last week’s post, and it really has been bugging me, but it seemed like I was so busy with this or that, and I’d think about it and tell myself, “I’ll get to it later.”
It’s later, and this is gonna be one helluva big post, so let the dogs out, take a potty break, grab a drink and get comfy.
The past two weeks have been really chaotic and stressful. I finally reached my limit with Chip and finally had to sit him down and tell him that I just couldn’t continue. My sis and one of my closest friends held my hands through it and gave me the backbone to do it. I knew it needed to end. Hell, I’d been working on ending it for a while. I had to do it carefully to try to avoid some seriously scary fallout.
The breakup went as well as could be expected. I really owe a lot to Angel and Cara for not letting me waver and for not letting me fall victim to some heavy duty manipulation. J was a trooper, giving me the room I needed but making sure I was aware that he was right there if I needed him.
I put it out there, on the line, with Chip, telling him all I could give him was friendship. The past two weeks have been filled with him expressing all kinds of emotion – anger, grief, sorrow. He says that it finally hit him how badly he treated me, abused me in fact, and he is so sorry for that. I take it with a grain of salt. As hard as it was to pull the plug, I’ve never wavered or had second thoughts once it was done.
What else happened the past two weeks? Oh! Staff date auction at work. That was a longgg day but it was a ton of fun. I ended up buying Daddy, and he bought me, during the first auction. Which actually was kinda stupid considering that we’re together anyway, but meh, it was fun and it helps out the club. I liked people knowing, and seeing, he and I bid on each other. Kind of like it was bringing our relationship a little more out in the open. I also ended up buying my sis, as well as her guy. I gave my date with him to her, but I’m keeping my date with her. :D We’re going to have a girl’s night out, leaving the guys to fend for themselves and do guy things. I just have to pin her down! The four of us work at the same place, but not always the same shifts, so it can be kinda hit and miss as to who is off work with whom. Tatt bought me in the afternoon auction and we’ve already had our date. She took me out shopping to a few of her favorite stores and omg, I had a blast and bought way too many outfits.
I’ve managed to go this entire two week period without getting spanked. Go me! I think. I dunno, it’s kinda weird in a way, but not so weird. I’m usually pretty well behaved, but two whole weeks? It kinda makes me wonder if Daddy wasn’t maybe a bit lenient on me because of the stress of crap with Chip. It definitely had me on edge, along with a whole range of emotions. Topping that off was my period which was delayed by the stress, and when it finally showed up, it showed up with a vengeance.
I haven’t asked him if he was lenient, because um, that’s just something that really didn’t occur to me at the time, but looking back now I’m pretty sure he was. He tends to be the type to take a lot of factors into consideration. He asks questions to find out where my head space is and what’s going on with me, and I’m incredibly grateful for that. Some people just make assumptions and run with them, which can really suck.
But then again when I think back over our relationship, there really haven’t been that many times when I’ve found myself in trouble. Angel and Helios, as well as some others, seem to have this perception that I’m constantly in trouble and either OTK or in the corner, but in the six months (whoa, six months! already?) we’ve been together, I can count on one hand the number of times when I’ve found myself being seriously scolded or punished. Hell, Angel has already had to go to a second hand and I’m suspecting a few toes as well in her counting. :p And they say I’m the naughty/fiesty one. *snorts*
Am I perfect? Oh hell no. I screw up too, and trust me, I’ve made some doozies along the way. Most of the times I find myself in trouble is because I’ve misunderstood the situation – specifically, I’ve thought we were just playing around and totally missed the point of where the matter turned serious. Yeah, one of my biggest trouble spots would probably have to be that I get too playful and I assume he’s playing too. It honestly surprises me to find myself in trouble during those times.
So no, I’m not perfect. I’m just hmm, experienced? I’ve been in and out of this lifestyle since I was 17 (for those counting along at home, lets just say that puts me at the end closer to 26 years than not and let it go at that). I’ve studied the lessons over and over, and heck, I still study them, always researching and reading because I’m not delusional enough to think I’ve learned it all. Yes, every relationship will have different nuances, based on the two people involved and what they need/want/desire. But there’s still a common thread running through any BDSM relationship. There’s a few actually, but the threads that really stand out for me are: Respect, Honor, Trust and Communication.
During my psych rotation in nursing school I ran across a theory about why people tend to be more respectful and courteous when dealing with acquaintances than they are when dealing with those that are the closest to them. Kinda like the adage, “You always hurt the ones you love.” The explanation given for this is that we do that because we feel safe and secure in those relationships. We know that our partner knows us better than anyone else, and that they will still love us when we are having a really crappy day and snap at them, whereas with a stranger or a acquaintance, we feel it necessary to put our best face forward, so to speak. In reality, we should be showing respect and honor to those closest to us, for they are the most dear and most deserving of these traits. However, security kind of blurs that for most of us. Kinda like a back-handed compliment, no?
Anyway, because of this I find myself taking a few moments, hours, days (whatever it takes) for me to compose myself when upset so that I can speak respectfully to Daddy and explain my concern about something. What I do need to work on is speaking up and saying that’s what I’m doing. I need to be more open and just tell him, “Yes, there’s a problem I’m wrestling around, but I’m not quite ready to talk about it yet, please.” - See how that plays into the Communication aspect? - He always seems to know when something is bothering me. And no, it’s not cuz I’m hurling small appliances at the walls. But denying it, or just answering “Nothing” is really nothing but a lie. And a lie is definitely NOT Honorable. I just sometimes need to step back and try to find my words. I have found that if I try to explain something when I’m upset it is harder for me to put the right words together, which frustrates me even more, making me more upset, making it even harder to find the words.
Vicious circle there huh?
But that in itself plays into the Trust aspect. He trusts me to bring my problem to him when I get a handle on them, and I trust him not to hold it against me or pressure me while I’m getting myself centered on the matter.
So yeah, I’m not perfect. I’ve just had years of using a different thought process than I had when I was vanilla, as well as the psych training I went through. I just combined the two into a method that works for me. It has become my “norm”, so to speak. Again, this doesn’t mean I don’t screw up and snap now and then, cuz hullo, human here. But I’ve learned that “More flies with honey” is very much a truism and doesn’t solely apply to trying to entice someone to do something for you.
Need to refill your coffee? Get snacks? Go ahead, I’ll wait. I told ya’ll this was gonna be an epic entry. LOL
Alright .. everyone back and comfy again? Here we go.
J and I got a new house with more land. We have been having a blast with the decorating. He even built this awesome deck to one side of the house and did a fantastic job! Being a true manly-man, the first things he put on it were the ice chest and grill. LOL
He also converted a spare space into this killer Media room, with the big screen tv, dvd players, comfy couches and room to dance. And in not so manly-man fashion, he decorated it pink and purple. He luffs me.
He even started on a Zen garden out in the big side yard, and my sis, Angel, and her sweetiepie Helios have *ahem* christened it. I know cuz I found suspicious looking imprints in the sand yesterday. Shoulda known them moving to the neighborhood would add spice!
Next topic – J really opened up to me about some things yesterday and blew me away. No, not with what he told me, but the fact that he told me. It was incredibly personal and intimate information and I know it was extremely difficult for him to share it. The fact that he did sent my heart into a storm of pitterpatters and made me fall even that much harder for him, which I thought was totally impossible considering I’m head over heels for him. The level of trust that he showed was amazing. The reason why he shared it with me was even more amazing. He did it because he picked up on some insecurities I was having and he didn’t want any mis-perceptions on my part to be feeding into those insecurities. He shared it because he loves me and was protecting me. See, told you he loves me. :) Thank you baby. It meant more to me than you could possibly guess.
Lastly, altho I suspect I’m leaving some stuff out, we got some terrible news yesterday. Our friend Cara lost her mother yesterday. We’re incredibly saddened by the news and more than a little concerned for Cara, given the tenuous relationship she had with her mom. Cara is such a kind and giving soul, and I just know she’ll be extremely guilt-ridden over the way things ended with her mom. We had Cara and her hubby over last night. She needed some mindless distraction for a couple of hours. She and J had a conversation, in which J just let her vent, full of starts and stops. Then we played some greedy and tried to tire her out so she’d sleep.
Naturally watching a close friend go through the steps of final arrangements for a loved one touched on scars that both J and I have – of J losing his son and me losing my father. I didn’t sleep well at all last night. I didn’t sleep well at all the night before either, so I’m seriously brain dead. Neither one of us slept more than a few hours last night. Poor J felt physically sick to his stomach knowing Cara was having to go through this. My stomach revolted too and I spent way too much time in the bathroom on and off thru the night.
The pain of loss does get easier, but it never ever truly goes away, I believe.
Whew. That’s it, I think. Now it’s time to hit Publish, wander off to get some stuff done, then crawl into bed for a nap.
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